Just One Thing

My mama was pretty adamant about the first step to growing the fuck up, and that is picking one thing that is wrong with your thinking and changing that one thing. For 16 years, she would present this to me, "Pick one thing..." and change that, "...the rest will follow." Clearly, she was right. She was right the entire time; however, due to the unfortunate accident of lodging my head up my ass when I was very young, I didn't listen. She fought so hard to get me to open my eyes and see what it was I was being, and I was terrified. Not to look, but because I didn't want the whole world to view me in the truth? I'm not sure how else to put that. I didn't want people to see the things I felt ashamed about, but did anyway.

Essentially, I learned how to lie so people wouldn't see me for what I was. I didn't even know what I was supposed to be. Someone told me to delve into my past, and I was like, "NO!" Like so much shame. Even thinking about it, I'm like, "Oh my God." The thing is, I lied in an effort to be liked. To be seen as this amazing person whilst not being so amazing. I didn't want anyone to know just how jacked up I was, because clearly, I knew I was jacked up, so I did my best to hide it. The snotty part of me was participating in the pretense that no one really saw what a ridiculous cunt I was. (An aside, I love how Grammarly suggests that what I say is an over-exaggeration, when sometimes a thing needs profound emphasis.)

Anyway, I lost things that mattered to me, and I immediately felt regret; however, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't lie unless it was to protect the innocent. This was something that stuck with me from the Bible. It was a story about a woman who distracted guards and lied about where this group of innocent kids was while they escaped. I have no idea what book it's in, or names, or anything, but this was an example of when it is an appropriate time to lie. So, I stepped foot on a journey to start being real, and oh my goodness, did shit get crazy. Lots of arguments, lots of drama with so many others...and I having to exist with this information I had picked up and did nothing with for many MANY YEARS. Defending the truth of what all happened. It was like, "bring out your torches and pitchforks, we gotta kill a witch! She's making this person think different," or whatever happened. I had to fight for the truth.

I fought with people who could be referenced on a biological scale, anyone they knew, people I knew, and whoever else came along, thinking they have life all figured out. They don't. They come to their own conclusions about a situation based on their own neglect to investigate the truth of anything. They even use things against you that should NEVER be. I even did this in my "Guys, I really am a piece of dog poo" years, which was a vast majority of my life. All I did was tell the truth, was honest about who I can be and who I was working to become, and yet, it was all used against me.

But who cares? The fact is, this vow has propelled me forward into becoming the person I am today, all because I finally "just changed one thing." The reason for this is that shifting this one thing will inspire you to want to change other things, and if telling the truth becomes that one thing, you desire to know the truth of all the other things. I share the dirty details of who I can be because I want someone to be aware of what it is I was and what can be a potential to crop up, and when it does, to gently nudge me into seeing that I'm going down a path that isn't good. The only person I know who is actually capable of doing this is my mama. Why? Because she learned who I am, good, bad, and indifferent. She learned all my triggers, the warning signs of me about to do something stupid, when I'm feeling unloved or stressed out about something. She knows me. She took the time to know me, she's felt the abuse that came from me on an emotional and psychological level, and she knows these things. She was also one who saw my potential, and fought harder for that for me than I did for myself.

She inspired me just because she loves me. She inspired me because she's a strong, intelligent, well-spoken, classy, hilarious, and absolutely wonderful human being, and I'd be so lost without her, because I was. Just change one thing, and I wanted to become something that not only she'd be proud of, but that I would be as well.

True change happens when you decide it needs to. If you find one thing about you that is devastating not only other people's lives, but your own, then maybe that's the one thing you should focus on it start. Do something different. It comes with being self-aware, meaning aware of your thoughts, deeds, actions, ideas, behaviors, so on and so forth. This means listening to what others might believe about you, and seeing if it lines up. It's about watching EVERYTHING you do, observing every thought, figuring out what is a sign that you're about to do something stupid, and stepping away from the goal you desire to achieve. If you misstep, remember it, and step correctly. You're not going to be perfect at it, ever, and it's something you have to consciously choose every time you're faced with it. It all comes down to a choice, and the best way to begin is to choose one thing you desire to change about who you are as a person...not weight loss or plastic surgery, I mean, your character.

"Just change one thing, and the rest will follow."