Don't Glorify Me

My mama used to say, "Stop putting me on a pedestal. Every time you do, I tear it down." It was simply glorifying someone who never sought the glory.

I did; I would always look for ways to be glorified for what I did, even though ninety-seven percent of the time, it was half-assed, and took me WAY longer than it needed to. I wasn't doing anything for the simple satisfaction that it just needed to be done.

My ego grew to the point of utter disgust, and the more I saw someone as above myself, the more I sought to tear them down, instead of stepping the fuck up and doing something about myself. With that, let's explore the word "glorify."

According to Merriam-Webster, "glorify" means, "to make glorious by bestowing honor, praise, or admiration," "to elevate to celestial glory," "to light up brightly," "to represent as glorious," "to cause to be or seem to be better than the actual condition," and "to give glory to." Essentially, it is to talk someone or something up so profoundly that it either destroys them because of the inflation of one's "ego," or makes them want to run away because it feels like there's too much pressure to be something they're not or are, but you're unaware of what the expectations are. You can easily lose yourself in this.

My mama said something rather interesting to me today, which pertained to how inflated I can get in my ego when I receive too many ego-boosting compliments, and I cannot disagree with her. I would receive a high-esteemed compliment and justify within myself how it was okay that I'm a cunt, and would proceed forth with my insolence.

This quick discussion made me fall into a deep state of contemplation, because I understand people think I'm awesome, and to a point, I know I am awesome, but I'm absolutely flawed, fallible, and insanely human. In fact, the other day, she made a sarcastic comment (she says that sarcasm has more truth than people realize) about the way I speak of her, "with grotesque adoration." Another way to put her back up on a pedestal; another reminder that I still have a lot to learn about love.

Compliments terrify me, not because of the compliment itself, but because of who I can be when I'm too glorified.

This wasn't a knock, but the way I see her doesn't negate the fact that she is human, and that's all people need to understand. We're all human, some of us more aware of ourselves than others. Some of us harbor more information about the state of humanity than others. Some of us are great at contortionism, and some of us are stellar at cleaning toilets. It doesn't matter; the fact is, we're all good at something. Unfortunately, some of us are only good at lying, hurting, maiming, and hating.

The point is, the amazingness we see in other people is simply something within ourselves that's still sleeping; we don't nurture it, give it the time of day, take care of it, love it, feed it, and so on. Instead, we see it in someone else and glorify them instead of realizing that those amazing qualities lie dormant within ourselves.

When we glorify outside of ourselves, a lot of us, especially if our insecurities are being kept in check, will use this as a means to never become something greater; to hate the person we find to be greater than ourselves. My mama also said to me once, "When I see someone of whom I am impressed, I don't judge them, feel jealous of it, or abuse them. I see an example of something I desire to be, and I work to figure out how to be that."

Not to be them, but to develop the qualities that we see in someone we are impressed by. For instance, if you admire someone's ability to be authentic, figure out how they are that, and learn how you can be authentic as well. Someone lives in full integrity, you want to live in integrity too, so you seek out what it means, and how you can be this. It's not a means to be that person, hell no, it's a means to see what that is, and strive to build those strengths within yourself.

The talks today were fantastic, as they really made me delve deep into this because I get so many compliments about how amazing I am, how I'm going to be a star, how authentic and smart I am, and I appreciate them, I do. Thank you for the compliments, but please don't glorify me.

Do not raise me above yourselves; just note that these things you see in me are in you as well. Like my mama said, "I'm just human, I make mistakes, I fail, but every day I keep trying." Me too. I mentioned to her about the pedestal thing and how I understand what she meant. Just see me as your equal, because to be told how awesome you are when you're keenly aware of how awesome you ARE NOT...it sounds a little crazy, but you accept them.

Compliments are amazing, I adore them, I give them out like they're candy too because I've met so many amazing people (and not so amazing people). However, please don't glorify me. Please don't. I'm just as fucked up as the next person, and every day I strive to do better than yesterday. Even in that, I fail. In fact, I feel amazing with these compliments, but when I hear them too much, I withdraw, because I don't know how to feel. I know I have to, at the very least, keep myself in check because I can so easily fall.

In fact, I do fall. I fall a lot, and every day I have to dust myself off and hope I suck less than I did yesterday, but I'm not that awesome. I mean, I'm awesome, but not star quality awesome. I'm awesome in my more mundane way. I speculate a lot, because I want to know. I know a lot of things, but I didn't really understand them more than 6-7 years ago. I just want to give insight to people, and what they do with it isn't up to me; it's up to them. I, too, am still learning these concepts, applying them to myself, and seeking to be these things.

I'm learning to be a good person. That's it. I'm working on it, and I'm not there yet.

I'm human.